Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
