So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize