Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
His nipple licking is glorious
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