Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
