my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
