Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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