I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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