it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
