im about as happy as oj after his trial
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
