she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
