i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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