is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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