i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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