Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
