That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
