I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
