You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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