he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's never too late to be topless.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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