I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize