Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
