She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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