My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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