Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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