Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
