So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
