Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
