he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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