I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
