mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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