went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
