So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
