i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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