she's into porn, im staying here tonight
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
