her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
