he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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