At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
