I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
