I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
