Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
