I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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