So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
