SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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