How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
