You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Then you guys just all showered together...?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
