You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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