the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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