I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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