Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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