You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
