hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
