my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize