matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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