Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
