Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
