So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Houston, we have a squirter
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
